Passed As Control (or PasC for short)

NOTE!

This site is extremely new and mostly empty. I am in the process of putting more content up, updating links etc but bear in mind that 1. I write/create first for myself, then for others; 2. I have a full time job + various major regular commitments that keep me busy xxx

“I knew transition was finished when I genuinely started wishing that I was a man1” (me, 2024)

Why the name?

The title came to me while I was reflecting on my recent life’s successes and obstacles, and simultaneously pondering the existentially deeper question of whether my makeup routine needed upgrading. There were two strands of thought:

Past as Control

“[…] while probabilities encode our beliefs about a static world, causality tells us whether and how probabilities change when the world changes, be it by intervention or by act of imagination.” (Pearl and Mackenzie, 2018) - emphasis mine

Being a trans person offers a uniquely privileged perspective on how your perceived gender impacts how society treats you. Almost every social interaction - a trip to the shop, a work meeting, a date - feels substantially different to how it did when I lived as a man. Of course, I know “the past” is no “control”: all other variables would have to be the same. But just because something isn’t an RCT (randomized control trial), doesn’t mean it lacks intellectual and scientific value - it just changes what knowledge you can extract from it. Questions are more valuable insights than people give them credit for. So much of science is generating questions, even ones that can’t be answered, or can only be answered partially. Some people mistakenly think science is about “what is?”, but that’s just the first part. “What if?” is a more interesting question, and is more than just idle speculation - it’s the foundation of scientific experimentation.

Passed as Control

“One is not born, but rather becomes, a woman” (Beauvoir et al., 1949)

When trans people strive to pass as cis people, this often ends up being indistinguishable from a form of indirect social control. For so many us, our constant efforts in this realm are motivated by trying to prevent further external harm to ourselves. This has a very narrowing effect on the psyche and one’s life choices, in a million ways, great and small, from how you hold yourself in public to whether you decide to undergo expensive surgeries in a foreign country. If you’re semi-passable (as I think of myself, and more on that harrowing personal topic elsewhere), you’re often jumping back and forth on the boundary of cis-passability, and left wondering what specific action, look, hair follicle or sound wave pushed you one way or the other. There’s so much that can be written on the subject of cis-passing, but not just because of the effects on trans people. Passing impacts all people. I’d argue that most people have to do some form of “passing as” something else in their lives, and it’s not just gender. Consider:

  • the mixed heritage person who “passes as white” to avoid racist abuse

  • the young woman who “passes as older” to be taken more seriously in a misogynist workplace

  • the gay man who “passes as straight” to avoid homophobia and be seen as “more of a man” by certain peers

When you spend as long as I have thinking about the abstract concept of “passing” (in any form), you start to realise just how much it hampers your life, and, if you’re like me, grow both angry and fascinated. I suppose part of me writing about it was attempting to harness those mixed feelings into something more constructive, and maybe even helpful for someone else to read.

Lastly…

“We are not an ‘issue’ to be debated and derided. We are symbols of hope for many non-trans people, too, who see in our lives the possibility of living more fully and freely. That is why some people hate us: they are frightened by the gleaming opulence of our freedom. Our existence enriches this world.” (Faye, 2022)

You get used to hearing from cis people what a burden it must be to be trans, or “how hard we have it”, and although that statement is well-meaning, it enforces its own truth. For such a large part of my adult existence I’ve subconsciously or overtly treated being trans as something shameful, because it was the constant message I received. I honestly cried when I first heard someone tell me that the trans perspective on its own brought something valuable into the world that cis eyes often couldn’t see. And that makes the examined trans life even more meaningful than it already was. The act of reflecting and writing about it is my chosen form of celebration, and resistance.

I stress that this site isn’t just be about trans issues. As a woman, I care deeply about feminism and other women, even more so now, in an era where new and novel forms of misogyny are being leveraged against us. I care about socio-economic inequality more broadly, and how it interacts with all these other areas (and also because transition is a class issue). I care about the radicalization of young men because I did live as one, at least externally, and perhaps my lived experience allows me to speak to its risk factors on a more personal level (I hope). These are just two of the very broad areas I care about (other examples including the environment, racial issues, geopolitics). But crossing the incredibly tangible yet unnamed gender border forces you down two routes:

  1. either slowly lose your mind to what the world requires of you and capitulate to its social control

  2. or be saved by the transfeminist perspective, as so many women of all kinds (and non-women) have been saved by feminism in general.

What’ll be on here?

In short:

  • in-depth visualizations of stats on trans issues and related feminist topics;
  • code-based projects on subjects of interest;
  • science fiction short stories;
  • essays on science, philosophy, gender;
  • informed opinion pieces on matters close to my heart, including personal experiences.

Life before and after becoming a woman does open your eyes to some particular questions, about feminism, about your childhood, your privileges and your place in society. I’ve always explored these themes internally through the lenses of science, statistics, science fiction and I wanted to have a place where I could put all these together, for mine and others’ benefit. I wanted to have a place to develop and upload everything from data viz and animations of trans stats to longer pieces on philosophy of science and how it impacts gender.

I also wanted to create posts related to more personal matters in the hope that others may find their own lived experiences mirrored, or, that they’d appreciate the contexts of their own lives by regarding a very different one.

Footnotes

1Yes, some people do genuinely ask you “have you finished your transition?” like it’s a video game. Of course, I’m aware of what their question actually is, but if they considered spelling it out, they might reflect and choose not to ask in the first place.

References:
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